escapiiist

Friends only. I do accept friend requests if yer interesting enough. Most entries are friends only. A couple of which were done for homework. (: I don't bite.

[ mood | lethargic ]
[ music | #41 ]
I watched as you sat with a cigarette in your hand,
Holding a drink in the other,
Trying to down all your pain.



but it doesn't work that way.

Cry, baby.

Cryyyyyy, babyyyyyyyy.

nothing adds up, so i end up frustrated.

perfect timing for an anxiety attack i'm surprised i can even type this thing.
want it to stop. fuck.

how do i explain to the parental units the very visible marks left by my deliriously induced stupor - a risque sensation of sorts!

ay carramba!

p.s. I've decided to really use this journal. my previous 2 accounts are alive, but not well, in comas in fact. sucks that there are some good, interesting reads in them. and a lot of inappropriate immature ones. which was the rationale for this pseudo new one.

I can finally cross out "Must go to a strip club" from my things-to-do-before-i-die list. To say that last night was an awesome night would be an understatement.

get closer.

The film Boys Don't Cry is a very powerful one. It is based on the true story of Teena Brandon, a young woman who is struggling with her sexual identity. In the beginning of the movie, she cuts her hair and dresses like a man to see if she can actually pull it off. It started out as a social experiment, but ended up being an alter ego as she was finally "accepted" by a group of people she met at a bar. The movie basically follows Teena Brandon and her new found friends escapades - including her falling in love with a girl names Lana. (Who falls in love with her too, without the knowledge of her being a woman.) Unfortunately, her past mistakes caught up with her when she was caught at the bank and placed in the female cell in jail.

This movie, in all its power and simplicity is impressive because unlike other movies that shy away from the disturbing details - Boy's Don't Cry does not. In fact, this movie may seem disturbing because it goes directly into explaining and expounding the elaborate and somewhat sordid details of what it's really like to be in the shoes of the protagonist - a transgendered 21 year old.

When I first saw this film, which was about, 5 years ago, I was deeply disturbed and bothered by how direct and honest it was that I couldn't contnue watching it anymore. I had decided to finish the movie just last year as it helped in my understanding of my major class in Psychology. I guess the most compelling part of this film is how even if it focused on the transgender phenomenon, I can say that even if I'm not experiencing the exact same problem - I can acknowledge some aspects of my life that I do not understand. The things I'd loved to change and the things that make me feel like a complete outsider from the society I am supposedly a part of. In the case of Teena, being a transgendered was her being a man trapped inside a woman's body. Though this may seem harder to grasp than "normal" problems that we experience what we certainly can agree on is the feeling of not belonging. Through Teena's trying to belong she paid the price because in the year 1993 in Nebraska, she was brutally murdered - for being different.

I guess the initial question I had was "What is this movie really about?" If you ask a lot of people what the movie is about, they'll tell you it's about lesbianism or courage or transgenderedness. But if you were to ask me, I'd say it was more of identity - not jsut about sexual identity, more like a deeper understanding of the self. If you think about it, quite possibly, all the characters in this film were either lost, confused or just not paying much attention to what their lives mean. The thing is, as a viewer of the film, I noticed that the only person who was having conflicts with herself/himself was Brandon. Everyone else was aloof or didn't bother with their identity issues cause they were too busy drinking theirselves silly! Anyway, so as soon as they found out that Brandon - the person they thought they all knew and loved for who he supposedly was was really a woman, it shook them. Not only because their trust in him was broken, but the mere fact that Brandon was sturggling with his identity could possibly have affected everyone elses struggle with their own. So, instead of completely ignoring their identity issues, it grew into massive proportions and blew up in their faces.

My next question would be "Why did Brandon have to go through the extent of risking his life just so he could be happy?" I mean I understood his case at the beginning, you know. He stayed so he could figure out his situation in life and to forget about his past mistakes. But, how can he ever come to terms with what's at present if he can't even manage or try to rectify what he's done before? I would understand if he just decided to go because it wasn't working out anymore. Remember, he had the chance to leave already. But he still decided to stay. That was stupid. If what he already had done were stupid, he just added to it by acting on impulse and possibly HORMONES! He should have left when he had the chance. In the movie, I understood that for him and Lana, it was "love". But I mean, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. He stayed because he loved Lana and there was no one else for him. Did he want to prove something to himself? To others? Yes, I understood that it was the identity crisis, yes I understood that he was trying to feel if he was finally comfortable with his choice. But still, these are the moments in peoples lives were other people who are part of it, or who know what the other person is going through think to themselves - "Sayang, there could have been a better outcome for you!" He was so deeply consumed by the "love" or good feeling that he had concerning Lana that he was naive to how it turned into an obsession. Obsessions aren't good, cause the possible outcome of it is bad.

I have no questions regarding his being transgendered as it was already explained to me by one of my Psychology professors. Which is a reason for my calling Brandon or referring to Brandon/Teena as a "he". These transgendered people aren't lesbian or gay, they feel as if they were born the wrong gender. So, for the sake and in honor of Teena Brandon's memory, I will refer to her as a "he".

I guess I agree on the search for identity answer. Mostly because through this film, I also saw myself. As of now, I'm 20. I'm nearing the age Teena Brandon was when s/he was brutally murdured. And I guess, when a tragedy happens or is about to happen, you prepare yourself for it. A lot of things you wouldn't normally think about or focus on will arise and you're left to deal. Which is why I felt for Teena. I'm in that age and I'm stuck wondering if who I am now is who I'm supposed to be. If who I am trying to be is what I'm really supposed to be. This movie taught me how that even if I'm different from others, that doesn't make me bad or unwanted. It just makes me who I am. And if that bothers some people, if they can't take who I am - then that's their loss. Because as far as I'm concerned, although I'm not totally sure of myself, I'm fine. Because right now, whoever passes judgment on me is not worth thinking of or worrying about. If they're talking bad about me behind my back, then that's their insecurity. Because I'm comfortable with the now - the me now too. I think it's safe to say that if they aren't okay with me it's either because they're still troubled with who they are themselves or because I'm content with myself and they aren't.

I just have to disagree with the answer of the second. I know it wouldn't be the same now if I were to place myself in Brandon's position, because no matter what I say it will have no effect on him, or anyone part of this story. The past is the past right, what we have now, what I have now is just enough to work with to get through the present and what the future will bring. We learn from mistakes right? So, with this, end my reasoning.

"Dear Lana, By the time you read this I'll be back home in Lincoln. I'm scared of what's ahead, but when I think of you I know I'll be able to go on. You were right, Memphis isn't that far off. I'll be taking that trip down the highway before too long. I'll be waiting for you. Love always and forever, Brandon."
- Every time I remember this last scene in the movie, a part of me just breaks. IF ONLY. If only she used her mind and left when she had the chance to. Now all we have is the memory and the numerous what-if's were left to wonder about.

I did not just enjoy this independent film, but I loved it. I have a weakness for coming of age films. This one was just another addition to my list. Basically, the story line is about Maximo Oliver, a 12 year old gay pre-teen who comes from a criminal family and falls in love with a police officer who he met one night, on his way home.

The part of Maximo Oliver is played by Nathan Lopez who with his twin, auditioned for this role. He got the part. I think he played a very perfect role, unquestionably.

The first theory that sheds light on the "pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliver" is the PSYCHODYNAMICS THEORY. This states that relationships especially the earliest ones are central to the development of the human personality, specifically speaking - the gender identity. I think the biggest impact on Maxi's development as a gay was the death of his Mother. His mother died when he was young. This has made an impact on him because without his mother, he wasn't able to develop with a woman figure in his life. All the while, he played the role of the mother. Cooking the food, washing the dishes, washing the clothes, sewing the clothes and doing the grocery shopping. We can probably assume that since there wasn't that significant role of the mother in his life, he felt that he would be the one to play the part. Especially since there was no one in his family doing anything to gear him to the "right" gender direction. A mother present in one's life carries a lot of load in directing her child to the proper gender identity. Without this relationship, Maxi may have been confused or misdirected to playing the role of the woman in the family.

The socialization or Social-Learning Theory emphasizes the influence of differing "learning environments", especially of children. This is another Psychological theory. This is where they imitate models and examples they see in society. Criticism and/or punishment for gender-inappropriate behavior from peers as well as adults plays a humongous role in this film, more specifically, on Maxi's development. Maxi grew up in a society of people accepting of this "gay behavior". The most influential point being that his Father and his two brothers were very accepting of him. Although to most people, this sort of development is not accepted, for Maxi, it was quite alright. Even his siblings called him "kapatid na babae" or something of the like. I guess knowing that your closest people in life accept you for "who you are" enabled Maxi to grow in that way. He also grew up with a few other gay friends, in which, in their relationships, he found comfort. Another thing to consider is the fact that in his neighborhood, no one bashed him or made fun of him. Unlike they do in the "real world" where derogatory terms such as "fag" or "bakla" or "fruitcake" are most commonly used to insult or bring down the spirits of these type. I liked how this gave me a different perspective for that social class or community. Going back to a scene in the movie, there is this part where Maxi and several friends are watching a movie in some place. You can see in the background the poster for Vilma Santos' movie "Anak". I think this also shed light in a way that if ever, possibly Maxi saw this movie, he felt compelled to play the mother role because there was no one in his family to do so. I guess my interpretation of this is that Maxi loves his family very much. And he would do anything to please them. A broken family can only do so much to save each other from going crazy. Maxi did his part by playing the mother role and keeping the family together. Through the good times and most especially, the really tough bad times. (E.g. his kuya's mistake of killing a teen.)

Another theory could be the sociobiology one. The Nature vs. Nurture concepts. People who see the difference between male and female as social, not biological, study gender. Gender could be an influence of society or an achieved social statues. A person learns this from his or her culture through socialization. Also, this talks about how gender changes through time. This also refers to behavior. We play and act either feminine or masculine. Also, this says that gender varies cross culturally, more cultural differences universally. In the case of Maxi, prior to his "pagdadalaga", afternoons would be spent with his group of gay friends. They would partake in their own version of "Miss Universe" - including the costume, talent portion and question and answer portion. This shed light on the fact that Maxie felt comfortable in his gender identity. This, at that point, was his achieved social status. There is less ostracizing for one - like in Maxi's case, because he found that there were other people like him. Let us take for example, the somewhat ending of the movie. As Maxi realizes his relationship with Kuya Victor is severing, his relationship with his siblings stronger (after watching his dad get shot) and his coming-of-age move to go to school and learn with full knowledge that he is definitely a smart kid - these all play a definitive role in his growth, not only as a child to young adolescent, but as a person, standing his ground and doing what he can do to cope.

Although a death in the family, or in Maxi's case, 2 deaths, can either break someone or make someone, for Maxi it made him someone. This unfortunate event has brought their family closer together. Let us again recall the scene before he was to leave for school. His brothers were finally acting like OLDER brothers. They ironed his polo, helped him wear it, fixed his ID and made his "baon". This was a very touching scene. All the way to school, we see Kuya Victor follow him and even stop in front of Maxi. This was another great scene because this shows how tough Maxi is and how certain events in people's lives definitely affect how they act and behave. I really loved this film.

To add, my favorite scene has got to be the one with Maxi and Kuya Bogs in the jeepney. It felt so real and was definitely a tear-jerking one. I found it hard to let the tears fall because I was in a class I had no friends in. Haha. Another really good scene that brings back memories of my younger years was the one where Maxi was trying to be that "simple" girl that Kuya Victor was talking about. It felt so heartwarming. Remember he was dressing up for Victor? Make-up and headband and sha-la-la's? And then Maxi taking the headband off? Great. This movie touches the heart in many ways possible.

Our exercise in Genders class was basically about our images of different kinds of sexually identifiable people. What left me to think at the end of class was: “How do my classmates really feel about this exercise?”

Most responses or drawings showed what normal youths perceive- what they know. Even my own definition of a “straight man” is from what I know. Everything said or discussed came from a source. We hear about it from the media, from authority such as teachers, parents or even The Bible. We’re raised to believe certain things and because of that, we feel compelled to do so. Aside from knowing what we know.

For me, I think that everyone has the same idea of a “gay, a “lesbian”, a “bisexual” and a “transgender”. But those are just the basic details - where we separate the sexual preference, the outfits or looks or the tone of voice. What I realized here is that those were it. Those were the only differences they discovered or were able to think of. I thought how limited their ideas or their understanding of this, shall I use the word “phenomenon”?

But the most important thing I learned is how easy it is for us to stereotype a person. We see a girl with short hair in sneakers and a shirt and we already assume she’s a lesbian. We see a guy wearing skinny jeans who walks in a slightly feminine kind of way, and we assume he’s gay. Why are we so harsh and in a hurry to judge someone? That’s not only the problem of the class, but also the problem of society. If we can socially accept smokers, drinkers and drug users – why can’t we accept the “gay community”? We’re so keen on judging other people, we’re so in tune with what WE don’t like, hardly ever considering what the OTHER likes. We want “peace” and “fair” and yet we can’t even give that to those who prefer something we don’t.

But there’s another thing to consider. How normal we think it is to be that way, it will never happen. Again, we don’t like being corrected or proven wrong. We don’t like adding to what we already know because were so stabilized on what we knew from the beginning. Neither will we believe we have accepted it. I’d like to think I do, considering it’s already “normal” or what’s currently ongoing in the whole wide world. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept it. I was born to believe in certain things, and I guess that’s just how I’m made to think.

I interviewed my Parents on what it was like to be either a male or a female back in their days. Males before weren’t as vain as the ones today. Metro sexual didn’t exist before, if there was a guy who dressed a little different, it wasn’t a big thing. Those men with tattoos or goatees then were only prisoners. The males treated the females with utmost respect. And to be gay or bisexual was a mortal sin! Most of their friends were closet gays. It was a no-no. For the females, they were more conservative back in the day. Unlike my friends and I who hide behind towels after showering, females before showered together and didn’t care. My parents only gave a couple of different things, them already being mentioned. But, as far as they know, it’s really still the same.

In my opinion though, nothing much has changed either. Situations have probably changed, but the act of being male or female hasn’t changed. History has a habit of repeating itself. Maybe our generation was a repetition of theirs. Obviously, in a time earlier than theirs, there could have been major differences, but then again, we’ll never know.

hi

i cut my whole day

and went to a hotel
and hung out with my friends
by the poolside
and in room 2004

and i forgot about my problems.

i love you nikkiG, g and pauey :)